Wow things have changed soo much since the last time I wrote. Reading back all I can think to myself is.. uhh was I kidding myself?! A old friend actually emailed me after not talking for months. At this point I think I was at my lowest and her words hit me hard. "Ive learned that somethings just aren't meant to be and somethings are..." Although I don't know if I'm actually willing to give everything up for good, but for the time being I am going to. I cant believe how much happier Ive been the last 2 weeks. Ive made a new friend and Ive apparently lost one. I'm not sure exactly why I lost that friend, but at this point what matters most to me is being happy. And if that makes me less of a person to you in the process.. to bad. Because making myself a happier and better person is making me more of a person. Its awesome to see a few of my friends pull together and try to make me feel better. A little girl time, a few weekends away, and a couple new friends.. makes alooot of difference. I know I'm not perfect and I do and say things that are probably unforgivable, but I just want those things to be forgivable. I'm only a 19 year old, I don't always think out things logically. I think its called being human!! Anyways.. if your one of the few that are making me feel like a bad person, I'm through with people like you. Theres people that hurt your feelings and then theres people who take things away from you intentionally. Those of you have hurt my feelings in the past I'm over it.. and I hope if Ive hurt yours, you can get over it. But to the one person whose taken something away from me to try and hurt me.. sweetheart you did it, you did exactly as you said. So now your a shitty person. Anyways I just thought I would get that out there. I needed to write!
When your desperatley wanting something, I think that the want part gets in your way. You dont need it, but you want it and your willing to do whatever it takes to get it. I sat myself down last night and thought to myself.. Is what I keep putting myself through ACTUALLY worth it? I mean I keep trying and trying, getting closer and closer and it seems like its all for nothing. Or maybe just for a few days things are perfect. To me that makes it worse.. to get exactly what you want and then have it stepped all over. Only to put myself through it a few days later. Its my fault ultimately, I put myself through it and I dont know why. But to answer my question.. is it worth it? Yes, It means everything to me. This is so new to me, I never had to try before. It always worked out for me, but right now... im falling a step behind. No matter what.
It hurts,but im not done trying. Dont be worried though, its not dangerous