Happy again. I think?

Wow things have changed soo much since the last time I wrote. Reading back all I can think to myself is.. uhh was I kidding myself?! A old friend actually emailed me after not talking for months. At this point I think I was at my lowest and her words hit me hard. "Ive learned that somethings just aren't meant to be and somethings are..." Although I don't know if I'm actually willing to give everything up for good, but for the time being I am going to. I cant believe how much happier Ive been the last 2 weeks. Ive made a new friend and Ive apparently lost one. I'm not sure exactly why I lost that friend, but at this point what matters most to me is being happy. And if that makes me less of a person to you in the process.. to bad. Because making myself a happier and better person is making me more of a person. Its awesome to see a few of my friends pull together and try to make me feel better. A little girl time, a few weekends away, and a couple new friends.. makes alooot of difference. I know I'm not perfect and I do and say things that are probably unforgivable, but I just want those things to be forgivable. I'm only a 19 year old, I don't always think out things logically. I think its called being human!! Anyways.. if your one of the few that are making me feel like a bad person, I'm through with people like you. Theres people that hurt your feelings and then theres people who take things away from you intentionally. Those of you have hurt my feelings in the past I'm over it.. and I hope if Ive hurt yours, you can get over it. But to the one person whose taken something away from me to try and hurt me.. sweetheart you did it, you did exactly as you said. So now your a shitty person. Anyways I just thought I would get that out there. I needed to write!

Falling a step behind.

When your desperatley wanting something, I think that the want part gets in your way. You dont need it, but you want it and your willing to do whatever it takes to get it. I sat myself down last night and thought to myself.. Is what I keep putting myself through ACTUALLY worth it? I mean I keep trying and trying, getting closer and closer and it seems like its all for nothing. Or maybe just for a few days things are perfect. To me that makes it worse.. to get exactly what you want and then have it stepped all over. Only to put myself through it a few days later. Its my fault ultimately, I put myself through it and I dont know why. But to answer my question.. is it worth it? Yes, It means everything to me. This is so new to me, I never had to try before. It always worked out for me, but right now... im falling a step behind. No matter what.

It hurts,but im not done trying.
Dont be worried though, its not dangerous

I love my sister.

Growing up my mom would always tell me, "When you and Bonnie are older your going to appreciate eachother more." I would think there was NO way I can ever like Bonnie. Because if you would have asked me 10 years ago if I liked my sister.. You would hear me say how much I HATE HER. Because let me tell you. I really thought I did. You think you had a mean sister?! If you would have had to deal with Bonnie, your brothers and sisters would look like the easter bunny or something. Speaking of.. when I was 6 years old, She told me how Santa Clause, the easter bunny, and the tooth fairy were all fake. Duh I didnt believe her for another year or so until I woke up and heard my parents in the attic on easter morning and they told me not to come out of my room until they hid the eggs. Anyways, back to mean ol' Bonnie. Today I was filling out some questions and they were questions like..
"What are your first memories of your siblings?"
or
"Did you used to fight with your brothers and sister?"

Well duh, I'm 100% sure everyone fought with there brothers and sisters.. It was just fun thinking back on things Bonnie used to do to me. I know everyone in my family remembers when I was 13 years old.. 4'2" and 45 lbs. Because I didnt grow until after about the middle of my sophmore year in highschool. So it was really easy for her to pick on me, but when I grew we stopped hitting eachother.. we just argued. I was big enough to hit back finally!
But to answer those two questions... My first memories of my sister. Its sort of hard to determine which ones really come first, They are all from when my family lived in Wild Peach. We had some acres out there where my parents had used to keep horses and pigs and chickens. So we had barns and things like that. I was that annoying little sister I guess you might say. I wanted to do EVERYTHING Bonnie and her friends did. I was probally about 4 and we always had these silly clubs. At each of the kids in the neighborhoods house, they had some type of "club house". Jenni had her blue dollhouse that they painted my face red with lipstick in, Josh and Lauren had a nice house so they had a game room.. sort of, the 3 sisters down the road... well we played in a old fridge at there house. Our house had the horse barn and the chicken coop. I would walk around in my red boots and a diaper with Bonnie and Jenni.
Well that day I couldnt be part of "Their" club so I had to make one by myself and the only place I could play was the chicken coop. Because they said so.. So im thinking I was about probally 3 or maybe 4. I couldnt have been older because we moved from that house when I was about 5. So im outside playing by myself. Bonnie and Jenni are done playing in the barn and I remember watching Bonnie. She told me to "Sit down, they would be right back" something along those lines, and she locked me in the gate in the pasture. I remeber sitting for probally 10 mins waiting, but when your 2 ft tall, that pretty much feels like 2 hours. Finally my mom came to get me.
There was the time I watched Bonnie and Jenni tried to set our house on fire. I dont know if you remember the Barbie that had roller skates. It was sort of like a lighter.
Barbie + Lighter - Fluid = Barbie with dangerous roller skates.
Bonnie grabbed some news paper from out of the house, and literally tried to light it on fire. That way she could "Catch the house on fire".

Or the time we got new neighbors. Bonnie told me to "moon" the next car that drove by. So of course I did. Well the next car that drove by was the new neigbor... She called my mom. Mean lady.

Bonnie told me to play dead so she could tell mom that I got ran over by a car. So I laid there in the street trying not to breath at all. She runs screaming to the house yelling "MOM Jessalyn just got RAN OVER." So my mom comes out of the house and looks towards the road and im laying there about 300 ft from the front door. Breathing. So she yells at me to get up because she can see Im not hurt.

I got her back though.. I killed her pet. Swear. Straight up murdered your hamster Bonnie. That little bastard bit me. You guys think I did it on accident?? NO way. It was definetly on purpose, I thought to myself, "I dont think I can really choke this thing, it would be like choking his entire body.. probally I could pick him up by his tail and swing him around real fast for a few seconds and then I can slam him into a wall. Then ill put him back in his cage to die. No one will know what I did. They wont think im capable of doing something so disturbing, im only 5!" So I did it, then you cried and I was happy. No actually I dont even remember doing that and I know I denied it for years. Sorry I killed your pet. Ill never hurt Alabama Coco Love Keesler. Cross my heart.. hope to die. mm k?

We used to have to share a bed in the same room at our old house. I actually still have the same bed. Bonnie got it when moved into our new house, when she moved off to college I got it! When she came home she wanted it back. So I refused, I love that bed. She had the box mattress and i have the mattress. But now that its just sitting in her room, I want it back. Im glad I just thought of that! Anyways, that room was ALWAYS messy. Toys over here and over there and up there. When we moved out we were excited about having our own rooms, well as they were packing our rooms and pulled those mattress' up to load they found junk EVERYWHERE. We fought about whos it was of course, or who had to pick up the room. I remember my parents telling us.. "Well when your in your own rooms we will see who the messy one is." For years they assumed it was both of us. Because really let me make this clear. The bathroom was always full of clothes and makeup and hair products and stuff that was hardly ever mine. My parents would tell me to clean it up. I would always tell them. "ITS NOT MINE! MAKE BONNIE CLEAN IT!!!" It didnt matter because I always had to. Id think god I cant wait for her to get married and not have to clean her stuff up!! Well guess what Mom and Dad??? How clean is that bathroom?!?? I knew I was the clean one! The week that she moved out I cleaned my room up and it hasnt got messy yet!! But her home is clean all the time to. I guess were just messy when we have to share..
And question #2?? God we fought so much, for soo long. Christmas Eve I was to close to her or something I guess.. So when my parents were in the back bedroom.. she decided to scratch my eyes with her long fingernails. I mean literally.. it was like she was a cat batting at my face.
- Or the time we got in a fight with air freshner. I probally started that one. She sat on top of me and soaked my hair and got it all in my eyes.
- We beat eachother with wire hangers, remote controls, whatever was around.
- There was the time she melted a yellow popsicle and chased me around telling me to drink her pee. I had to lock myself in my parents bedroom and call my mom to tell on her!
- I think the only time I ever actually hurt her was when I got a broom after her, I made her legs bleed!!
Pretty soon I got a little bigger and she finally quit messing with me.
About my sophmore year we started to actually "like" eachother. I still got on her nerves im sure because I was sort of the tag-a-long. Its funny how much things changed.

The night Bonnie got married, I was dancing with my Uncle Mike.. he said to me "Do you remember how much you and your sister used to fight? Now yall are really close huh?" Thats when my moms words came into play, "When you and Bonnie are older your going to appreciate eachother more." Bonnie is my best friend. When things seem like they are falling apart, shes there. When im mad at someone for whatever stupid reason it might be, shes not there telling me its stupid. Shes there agreeing with me. Any friend I have ever had, Bonnie will always tell me what she thinks of them and what kind of person they are upon meeting them. Of course it bothers me, but I know shes right. Shes a really good judge of character. Bonnies also one of the most thoughtful and giving girls that I know. I know well always be close like we are and were always going to be there for one another.

I love my sister.

Along with all of her uhhh "creativity" I guess you could call it

Ashley Tisdale

Every day I think about this Punk'd espisode I watched last week. It cracks me up everytime I think about it. The kid is just so funny.

Shooter.

There really is some sick people in this world we live in. You never know whats going through a persons mind. You can for the most part tell when some one is depressed or hurting, but gosh. Did no person try to help this guy Cho Seung-Hui??? Everyone knew something was wrong, I mean he wrote these crazy stories and the things he wrote would have proven to me that he was a frrrreakin weirdo!! It makes you think about all the kids you went to school with, when they describe this guy about 10 different people pop into my mind. But really hes just more creepy then the kids I knew.

"Ms Roy said he had also been caught taking illicit mobile phone photos of women from under desks."

Ugh sooo creepy.

Check this out on myspace. There are 5 pages all created after April 16, 2007 of Cho Seung-Hui. Fake Myspaces.

Oh Gosh, and imagine being this guy, all of the hateful glares you would get.. Wayne Chiang.

Creepy, its all I have to say.

Ya

Have you ever felt like your being used? But its by someone you love.. so you dont really mind? Ive been feeling that way for awhile now. Its definitley one of the worst feelings Ive had in awhile.. When I want to talk about it, the words just do not come out. They wont. To everyone else I can talk so freeley about it. Just not to that one person.

Emily.. Emily..

After college Emily, Jacob, Blake, Houston, and meee went to look for prom dresses.. and might I add.. She found the most gorgeous one EVER! Anyways... being broke like we are it was a bit hard to afford dinner after the pack of ciggarettes we both needed so dearley.. But we counted change and somehow managed to find 4 dollars in change to go to taco bell. We leave the boys and get in the car laughing at how redicoulous her radio sounds and just keep talking. Emily: "I dont know how I should do my hair for prom.." Me: "Yea, wear it down. For my prom I put mine up and it got kinda frizzy.. EMILY!" And then we did a swerve and then we just stopped. Stopped right into this mans Caravan! Luckily we both had seatbelts on.. In trucks I generally dont wear one. But we were in a car so Im glad I wore it. Turns out the damage isnt so bad to the mans car. But to Emilys its a little bad.. She decides to wait to tell Darrell in a text message... that way by the time he was off of work he would already be cooled down enough to talk to her. But we still got our Taco Bell.. but I just paid in cash.. I thought she might need that change until she fixes that mans van!!